Terri Cole on Boundaries, Codependency, and Reclaiming Your Power

About This Episode

Terri Cole is a psychotherapist, author, and one of the most trusted voices in the world on the subject of boundaries. Her book Boundary Boss has helped hundreds of thousands of people understand why they struggle to say no, why they give more than they have, and what it looks like to build relationships that are genuinely reciprocal.

Where Boundary Problems Come From

Topics covered in this episode include the developmental origins of boundary difficulties — the ways childhood experiences, family systems, and cultural messages shape our capacity to set and maintain limits. Terri discusses the patterns she sees most frequently in her practice, including the tendency to prioritize others' needs over one's own and the fear of conflict or rejection.

Codependency: What It Is and What It Isn't

One of the most clarifying topics covered in this episode is codependency — a term that is widely used but often misunderstood. Terri provides a clear, clinical definition and distinguishes codependency from healthy interdependence. Topics covered include the ways codependent patterns manifest in romantic relationships, friendships, and family systems.

The Health Costs of Poor Boundaries

Dr. Sherry Ross brings a medical perspective to the conversation, discussing the ways chronic boundary violations — including the stress of constantly overextending — affect physical health. Topics covered include the relationship between people-pleasing patterns and stress-related illness, and the ways poor boundaries can affect sleep, immune function, and hormonal health.

How to Actually Change

Dr. Tammy Nelson and Terri Cole spend significant time on the practical question of how to change — not just understand — boundary patterns. Topics covered include the specific skills involved in setting limits, how to communicate boundaries clearly and kindly, and how to handle the discomfort that comes when others push back.

Boundaries and Intimacy

The episode closes with a nuanced discussion of the relationship between boundaries and intimacy — including the counterintuitive truth that clear limits actually create the conditions for deeper connection. Topics covered include how healthy boundaries support rather than undermine closeness.